Ultimate Joke List

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

...

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two-tired.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

I'm afraid for the calendar.

Its days are numbered.

Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had too many problems.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

Because he was always spotted.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

He said nothing.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired of standing.

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A fsh.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me KitKat ads.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

Because all the fans left.

I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on.

Then it clicked.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

Why don't oysters share?

Because they're shellfish.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

What did the coffee report to the police?

A mugging.

I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.

Luckily it was a soft drink.

What do dentists call their X-rays?

Tooth pics.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

"Go ask your dad."

Dad: "Go ask your mom." And the cycle continues forever.

Mom: "I'm not going to say it again."

Narrator: She said it 14 more times.

Mom: "We have food at home."

The food at home: a single cheese stick and leftover rice from 3 days ago.

Why did the mom bring a ladder to the store?

Because the prices were through the roof.

Mom: "I don't have a favorite child."

Also mom: *shows the dog more affection than all of us combined*

What's a mom's favorite type of music?

Wrap. Because she's always wrapping presents, lunches, and leftovers.

Mom: "I'll be ready in 5 minutes."

45 minutes later she's still looking for her keys.

Mom: "Turn off the lights, we don't own the electric company!"

Also mom: *leaves every light on when she's home alone*

Why don't moms ever get lost?

Because guilt trips always lead them back home.

Mom: "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

Honestly that hits 10x harder.

What's a mom's superpower?

Finding the thing you've been looking for in exactly 3 seconds.

Mom: "When I was your age..."

Me: *buckles in for a 30-minute story about walking uphill both ways*

Mom: "I don't care who started it."

She absolutely does care. And she already knows who started it.

Why did the mom sit on the clock?

She wanted to be on time for once.

Mom: "I'm counting to three."

She never gets to three. She doesn't have to. Two and a half is where fear lives.

Mom after you clean your room: "See? Was that so hard?"

Yes. Yes it was.

What did the mom say to the spider?

"You have 24 hours to leave or I'm getting the shoe."

Mom: *calls your full name*

You don't even know what you did but you know it's over.

Mom: "This house is not a restaurant."

Also mom: *makes three different meals because nobody wants the same thing*

What's a mom's least favorite game?

"What do you want for dinner?" Nobody ever wins.

My grandson asked me to help him with his homework.

I told him to use Google. He said, "What's that?" I said, "Exactly."

Back in my day, we didn't have Google.

We just didn't know things. And we were fine with it.

I told my grandkids I used to walk to school uphill both ways.

They looked it up on Google Maps and called me a liar.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I asked my grandkid to explain TikTok to me.

Three hours later, I still don't understand it and now I need a nap.

You know you're getting old when...

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.

So now I drink in front of a mirror.

Back in my day, the only virus people were worried about...

Was on the family computer because someone downloaded a free screensaver.

I finally figured out what "lol" means.

Lots of love. Right? I've been sending it to people at funerals.

My grandkid said I'm not "with the times."

I said, "Kid, I AM the times. You're just the sequel."

Me: *exists*

My WiFi: "I'm about to end this man's whole career."

Teacher: "You can't hear images."

Me: *looks at a picture of the Roblox oof*

POV: You told your mom "one more game" 47 minutes ago

And now you hear footsteps on the stairs.

"I have rizz"

Bro you can't even make eye contact with the cashier at McDonald's.

Nobody: ...

The group chat at 3 AM: *sends 400 messages about absolutely nothing*

Me: "I'll go to bed early tonight."

My phone at 2 AM: "So that was a lie."

Me: *finally has free time*

My brain: "Stare at the ceiling and think about that awkward thing you did in 4th grade."

"Just be yourself"

Bro, myself is the problem.

Teacher: "Where's your homework?"

Me: "It's giving... not submitted."

Me: *opens fridge*

Nothing. Me: *opens fridge 3 minutes later expecting new content*

"Stop being dramatic"

Me, who rehearsed this argument in the shower for 45 minutes:

Brain: "You need sleep."

Also brain: "But what if we watched one more TikTok? Just one. Okay maybe 200."

Me: *types a paragraph in the group chat*

Everyone: "lol" "yeah" "true"

"I'm not addicted to my phone"

Screen time report: 11 hours 47 minutes. Most used app: TikTok.

Mom: "Why is your room so messy?"

Me: "It's not messy, it's an organized chaos aesthetic."

Me: *standing in the kitchen*

Also me: forgetting why I walked in here for the 5th time today.

"This generation is so lazy"

Bro I literally learned an entire TikTok dance in 20 minutes. That's dedication.

Teacher: "Phones away."

The class: *puts phones in lap and continues scrolling*

Me: "I'm gonna start being productive today."

Also me 6 hours later: knows everything about a random celebrity's life from 2014.

"What's for dinner?"

Mom: "Food." Me: "What kind?" Mom: "The kind you eat."

Me: *has 47 tabs open*

My laptop fan: sounds like it's about to achieve liftoff.

Friend: "Let's hang out this weekend!"

Weekend arrives. Both of us: *stays home and texts each other memes instead*

"I'll study after this episode."

Netflix: "Are you still watching?" Me, 8 episodes later: "...no."

Me explaining my humor to my parents:

"No see, the funny part is that it's not funny. That's what makes it funny."

"Are you okay?"

Me: "I'm living, laughing, and loving." Narrator: They were doing none of those things.

Autocorrect: *changes a perfectly normal word*

Me: sends the message anyway. "You know what I meant."

Me: "I'm an introvert."

Also me when my favorite song comes on: *becomes a full concert performer in my bedroom*